Maybe this will be a dark post. Something surprising specially after the shiny character or the last one. I don´t care. This is a post about what´s eating me, my personal concerns and worries. Things that awake me in the middle of the night o drive me drowsy with tiredness at noon.
First: my parents. My father is an almost 60 year old with deep financial problems, a good hearted soul who somehow manages to bump into people who end up abusing him. He is too trusting and gives himself too easily. I don´t know why, but this neurosis of him has taken its toll on my mom, whose advice he never listens. In the verge of his sixtieth birthday, he has nothing certain, no safety net moneywise, no savings, no insurance, nada. If something were to happen, even the simplest of accidents (like a broken bone) they don´t have a fucking penny to sort it out. And he is so broken because of all of previous decisions. This is what they have led him to. It panics me to even think of him at old age. He is extremelly sensitive to any remark said to him on this subject, which makes matters worse. Recently i have found myself incredibly angry, frustrated, not no mention fucking furious at him for his innability to be supportive, he can´t be relied on, unlike so many fathers out there. I am an adult and can manage, but my mom, oh my. She has arthritis, and though the evolution of her sickness relatively well, she has problems with the movement of her hand. Her obsession with house chores worsens her, yesterday i saw her painfully scrubbing the kitchen sink and realized -again, i´ve been aware of this since i am a child- that cleaning a house is how she wants to spend her life. And that´s how she wants to spoil her hands too: cleaning till ill falls off or worse. She has no friends, no social life, she is like a shade of grey, it pains me how far down her insecurities have dragged her. I panic when i think about my parents at old age. Maybe because i am looking and my grandparents, my gradma has trouble walking and talking because she has suffered small brain lesions, she has to be looked after all the time. My grandpa is still very strong at 83, but this sunday he awoke feeling a dizzyness so intense he couldn´t get out of bed. Yesterday i heard my mom saying that they could move in with them. I shivered at the mental image of the four of them in the same space.
I think i´d kill myself first before becoming a burden. I am deep and sensitive but also vain and proud.
And last but not fucking least: there´s the horrible violence and bloodshed ravaging my beloved country. I can´t be dismissive about it.
I have to go back to row.
Much hugs,
D.